God Bless Them Pork and Beans
You can talk about near escapes
and dangers you have seen,
but I'll tell you how my life was spared
by a can of pork and beans.
​
I do not like their flavor
that is one sure bet,
but beans once saved my bacon,
that's why I'm livin' yet.
​
One day in middle summer
when the sky was clear and blue,
I was going across the mountains
to a fishing hole I knew.
​
I didn't take no grub along,
I thought I'd travel light,
and if I didn't catch no fish,
I wouldn't eat a bite.
​
I was rigging up my fishing gear
and there behind my back
the old lady grabbed a can of beans
and threw them in the pack.
​
And after many weary miles
before the close of day,
at last I saw that fishing hole
a hundred yards away.
​
I was awful hungry
but I didn't give a damn,
I could almost smell them fishes
sizzlin' in the pan.
​
Them fish just wasn't hungry
though I tried with all my might,
with every fly and lure I had
but still they wouldn't bite.
​
At last I threw my fish pole down
and crawled behind a tree,
and there I fought mosquitoes
until the break of day.
​
I thought I'd take another look
for a lure that I'd passed by,
and there that can of pork and beans
looked me in the eye.
​
I soon had opened that can of beans
and sat upon the ground,
and like a hungry wolverine,
I gulped the whole works down.
​
Oh, I flipped them flies out neatly
but every cast did fail,
then like an old whipped hound dog,
I headed up the trail.
​
I didn't think that anything
could ever look so mean.
There stood the biggest grizzly bear
that I had ever seen.
​
I remembered the old times
and what my pappy said.
If you ever meet a grizzly bear,
just make believe you're dead.
​
I flopped myself upon the ground
and quietly I lay,
but I knew that gol darn can of beans
would soon give me away.
​
My stomach was a hurtin'
but I didn't dare complain,
so I rolled over on my back
to try and ease the pain.
​
That's when them beans exploded,
it even shook the trees.
That bear rose up on his hind legs
and slowly sniffed the breeze.
​
He had a pained expression
as his nose he twirled around
which really gave me courage
as I lay upon the ground.
​
Then came the next explosion,
there was an awful din.
With a little help on my part
them beans went off again.
​
That bear got down upon all fours
with a look as if to say
"When I see anything that smells that bad,
I'll go the other way!"
​
So keep the bean pot boiling
and cook them till they're done.
I do not like to eat them
but God bless them every one!
(c) 1970 Bill Kelch
originally published in 'Come Laugh With Me' by Everett Kelch