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God Bless Them Pork and Beans

You can talk about near escapes

and dangers you have seen,

but I'll tell you how my life was spared

by a can of pork and beans.

I do not like their flavor 

that is one sure bet,

but beans once saved my bacon,

that's why I'm livin' yet.

One day in middle summer

when the sky was clear and blue,

I was going across the mountains

to a fishing hole I knew.

I didn't take no grub along,

I thought I'd travel light,

and if I didn't catch no fish,

I wouldn't eat a bite.

I was rigging up my fishing gear

and there behind my back

the old lady grabbed a can of beans

and threw them in the pack.

And after many weary miles 

before the close of day,

at last I saw that fishing hole

a hundred yards away.

I was awful hungry

but I didn't give a damn,

I could almost smell them fishes

sizzlin' in the pan.

Them fish just wasn't hungry

though I tried with all my might,

with every fly and lure I had

but still they wouldn't bite.

At last I threw my fish pole down

and crawled behind a tree,

and there I fought mosquitoes 

until the break of day.

I thought I'd take another look

for a lure that I'd passed by,

and there that can of pork and beans

looked me in the eye.

I soon had opened that can of beans

and sat upon the ground,

and like a hungry wolverine,

I gulped the whole works down.

Oh, I flipped them flies out neatly

but every cast did fail,

then like an old whipped hound dog,

I headed up the trail.

I didn't think that anything

could ever look so mean.

There stood the biggest grizzly bear

that I had ever seen.

I remembered the old times

and what my pappy said.

If you ever meet a grizzly bear,

just make believe you're dead.

I flopped myself upon the ground

and quietly I lay,

but I knew that gol darn can of beans

would soon give me away.

My stomach was a hurtin' 

but I didn't dare complain,

so I rolled over on my back

to try and ease the pain.

That's when them beans exploded,

it even shook the trees.

That bear rose up on his hind legs

and slowly sniffed the breeze.

He had a pained expression

as his nose he twirled around

which really gave me courage

as I lay upon the ground.

Then came the next explosion,

there was an awful din.

With a little help on my part

them beans went off again.

That bear got down upon all fours

with a look as if to say

"When I see anything that smells that bad,

I'll go the other way!"

So keep the bean pot boiling

and cook them till they're done.

I do not like to eat them

but God bless them every one!

(c) 1970 Bill Kelch

originally published in 'Come Laugh With Me' by Everett Kelch

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